You guys can think of my rants as diary post...read'em, skip'em, whatever.
I have a confession..not really a secret, but just an intimate thought. The other day I lost my cellphone and initially I was upset. But then I began to think...deeply..."What If You Don't Need It? What If You Need Some Solitude?"...So I stopped looking for it and I stopped calling people from the house phone. I have sentenced myself to solitary confinement; where as the only means of communication is via the computer.
I know..wierd, huh? But recently I began feeling paranoid as if everyone (family, friends, foes) were conspiring against me in someway. I didn't approach anyone with it...I did what I always do-->pay attention & keep it in. I started noticing inconsistencies in everything people said & did. But I continued to play my role. One person would tell me the secret the other person was hiding from me. And it just went back and forth. Until I lost my phone- now I feel free, in a sense. No lies, no half truths, no being bull shitted. You have to understand my psyche, I hate wasting time!--I could be doing something more fulfilling than listening to some bish lie to me.
The fuct part is I didn't say anything to anyone (mom, neices, friends)...which is not abnormal for me. When I left home this summer, it was at a moments notice. I called my best friend, gave her the key to my house, said she can have everything, and hit the road! No long sobby good bye's, no thoughts about my possessions..just the next time anyone spoke to me I was in DC. Why??Because I have a low tolerance for Bull Shit! And even with this paranoia, I trust my intuition because it's always right.
Maybe no one means me harm, I'll give them all the benefit of doubt, but I'm going to go with the quote that has been on my mind: "The only people you need in life are the ones that need you in theirs".
So, solitary confinement until New Years! I think I need to make some changes in my life. And other peoples voices/problems/opinions would really distract me. Now, as for the types of changes...all of them revolve around mental strength.
1) I want to be healthier..NO- I'm not fat but I stray away from exercising & eating properly.
2) I want to totally rid my life & memory of my ex...*rolling my eyes* ..and its hard to do that with mutual friends and stuff. It's not like I can say "Bish don't say his effin name!"->because that's not what friends do. But I feel like I wasted a 8 1/2 years of my past and energy,so please don't drain my present and future!
3)I want to be the best at everything I do...or want to do.
And to accomplish all or any of those things I need to be focused. In order to focus...I need silence...and in order to have silence I don't want to talk to anyone!
So silence is my escape from paranoia
And as with everything...there is a soundtrack to the chaos....the song that keeps playing thru my thoughts.
Lost- Gorilla Zoe ft Lil Wayne